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| wow, it's been about a gazillion years since I last checked this xanga. So much has happened since then... I dont even remember what my last entry was about. Second year is over and done with and so are boards. Thank God! And now I've entered the exhilirating world of general surgery. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this entry but I feel compelled to record it somehow, maybe for you, maybe for me, I dunno.
Everyone asks me if it's like Grey's Anatomy. MMmmmm not really. It's actually like 100 times better :) Really! Why? Well, in the beginning, it wasn't like that. I was always doing something wrong... contaminating a sterile field, or missing critical information. And I always went home kind of dejected, wondering when I'd ever get it. I still make those mistakes now, ESPECIALLY contamination, but I finally feel like I'm participating in patient care: body, mind, and soul. And it is SO worth it. Whole person care is powerful. Some stories to illustrate:
Ms. D came in for a surgery a week ago, a kind of big surgery that involved removing parts of her colon. Before we went in to the OR, me and the other students went in to talk with her. We asked her some of the standard Mets questions (Mets is the whole person care preceptorship I did last year) and I just felt compelled to skip most and ask her if she wanted to pray. She, of course, was all for it. We prayed then went to the OR. Unfortunately, her surgery was long and complicated, and she has several complications now. But she's such a sweet old lady and such a trooper. Whenever I ask her if she needs anything now, she just says "some prayer." Then we join hands and pray and invite the Holy Spirit to intervene. Please pray for her as we might have to back into the OR for her. And there is something powerful when we pray!
But never do I feel more encouraged than when I'm able to provide spiritual care to my patients. I love taking care of them physically, checking their labs, making sure they poop, etc. But spiritual care makes it complete. It makes it worth it to wake up at 4 am, scrub in with some crazy people, and stay on call all night. Because I've realized that the hospital is a battle ground of sorts. People struggle with some deep ideas when their bodies fail them, and many come to a crossroad in their lives. During this time, a compassionate hand, a willing ear, and a small prayer can make a huge difference, sometimes even in the battle btw. heaven and hell.
There are many more patient stories, and I wish I could share them all. Each one is special in its own way, and God is moving and working for sure! I wish that I can share it more eloquently, but I just don't have the time right now. Hopefully, the Holy Spirit will move in your heart though. Please practice spiritual care, because it can change lives.
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| I am in the middle of labor pains here at Loma Linda. Nine months ago, on a scorching heart August day, medical student, esther, was conceived, and she's been growing in the warm and safe womb of Loma Linda ever since. And in two weeks, via 13 excruciatingly long and cumulative tests, a first year medical student will be born!
In the middle of cramming for these finals, I sometimes feel like a negligent alcoholic mom. You know, the one who drank alcohol all throughout her pregnancy, but 8 months in, realizes, crap... I'm gonna have a messed up baby. So then progresses to cut down on the substances and stuffs herself with prenatal vitamins, fruits, and veggies. But it's too late, all of the vital features have already been destroyed... heart, brain, lungs, face are already beyond repair. I hope that I've taken good care of my growing body of knowledge for these past 9 months! But I know that I've been quite negligent at times. These 9 months have been a gift that God has entrusted me with, and it's been a journey to faithfully care for this responsibility. So maybe I haven't quite been the alcoholic mom, but it's a reminder that I'm not always so faithful with the gifts that God gives me.
At the end of it all, I hope that I emerge, not with some stellar grades, but with a true understanding of healing and the kind of person that God wants me to be. Labor is painful, no doubt. But you endure it because you emerge with a new creation, not just numbers on a report card or some letters after your name. It will take three additional labor pains before I can call myself a doctor, but more importantly, I hope it will produce a more persevering, compassionate, and giving human being.
<3 Esther, W.I.P.
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| dear xanga,
It's been a while and another round of exams has come and gone. It's hard to believe that there's only ONE round before first year is OVER. God has been soooo good, taking care of me in every way possible. This was the first round of tests where I completely let go to Him. I opened up my unwilling fists to give Him all my worries and my dreams.
It's so easy to become selfish and self-centered in medical school because it's an environment that cultivates such a mentality. Sadly, people understand when you can't help out a friend or give your time to God or to someone in need, b/c of course, u have to study. I mean, you wouldn't want me to accidentally kill a patient right? And I'm deep in debt... which are all true. It's as if we feel that one day, seven years later, we will magically become kind, caring, compassionate people who will help the poor and freely give our money. But we can't do so right now, b/c first we have to get there. I HATE this mentality. I absolutely hate it. I hate how susceptible I am to it; I hate how pervasive it is. I hate how suddenly I feel like I'm entitled to things that I would have never even dreamed for before.
It's been a struggle, but it's been really good. TRULy. God is real, so real. Happy easter :)
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| Today, I did an extremely nerdy thing and studied at the food court at the mall. I know, i know... bad idea. But barnes and nobles was PACKED so I had nooo choice. During the two hours I was there, three separate groups of people came and left the table across from me. Three LOUD groups of teens: pre-pre pubescent, pre-pubescent, and pubescent teens. I couldn't help but overhear their conversations (i really couldn't), but listening in only made me realize how out of the loop I am these days. Of course, all of their conversations revolved around their love lives, crushes, and current hotties (that much hasn't changed). But the group of 7-8 year olds really bothered me... as they were texting away on their blackberries and sidekicks, they had the kind of conversation that you might only hear in a bar/lounge or Sex and the C ity. Is it just me, or is that really weird? What happened to innocence, giggles, and passing notes over the pencil sharpener?? Why do these kids want to grow up so fast? there's nothing so great about being an adult...
mmm.. miss these times. I used to use markers and crayons to paint my nails and put on make-up, to the horror of my umma. I used the phone twice a week to call my best friend :) We used to walk around church on cold days, blowing into rolled up church bulletins, pretending that we were smoking. We giggled about the boys that we liked and ran away from the ones that we didn't. We picked all the roses at church to make "perfume." We made other kids cry. Life was simple.
 
Innocence once lost can never be regained... let's protect the innocence of the little ones. <3
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